eBPF could use a better interface, though. I REALLY don't want to have to write this stuff in C. Think we could get a scripting language?

You only have to write the kernel stuff in C (which is a small part, since you are just collecting data), for the front end you can use BCC (Python/Lua)

https://github.com/iovisor/bcc

Personal favorite: https://github.com/iovisor/bcc/blob/master/tools/sslsniff_ex...