One of the main reasons I don't even want to touch Clojure is because I don't want to be trying to figure out Java stacktraces when things go wrong.

Clojure doesn't need JVM. You can run it with GraalVM either directly [1] or via Babashka [2]. Both are great options for get into Clojure.

[1] https://github.com/oracle/graal

[2] https://github.com/babashka/babashka